Oh listen gents and gather ‘round, for I have a tail for thee
bout when I was nearly drownt in Mississippi
‘twas many years ago, I was but a lad
‘twas lonesome for some touchin’
boy was I down bad
Alas I wandered bar to bar
But my advances made ladies flee
I thought all hope was lost
Until I swiped on fair Judy.
Her eyes were a bright emerald
Her hair was black as night.
There’s something odd about her mouth
That just did not sit right.
She asked me about my profile pic
Where did I catch that fish?
Ventured off to Deer Island
In my own boat was my sitch.
Curious about my hobbies
She pressed on about my catch
9 inches is fairly substantial
I think we’ll be a good match
She asked me if I liked to catch fish just in the sea
I told her I was an avid fisherman
Won’t you come out one day with me
She told me that she knew a spot
Away from prying eyes
We found a little waterin’ hole
and elegantly popped a squat
We sat down by this murky creek
Plums of slit circled round
Pretty soon we started kissin
My hands a moving round.
When we kissed I noticed that her eyes n’er seemed to blink
Nothing seemed to flicker there, but who needs a girl to think?
We stopped to chat a little more and unpacked a picnic
Frankly I was a bit perturbed as the blood ran to my dick
She seemed keen to learn to fish
and asked me about my reel
Whatever for did she want to catch
When I wanted to catch a feel
I showed her how to bait the line and her eyes doubled in size
She almost seemed ravenous from what I recognized
I pierced the worm on my line and gave it a slight tug
Transfixed on death dance of the little bug
I cast the line in the water and waited patiently
She stared out in the stream very carefully
She unpacked our picnic and boy was I surprised
Tinned fish tiktok must have been a draw for her
Two tins of anchovies
One of sardines
Pickles oysters, gefilte fish
and so many things in brine
She started opening up the tins
She picked them out with her fingers
What was this heresy?
I thought I saw something fairly bizarre
Her jaw almost seemed to unhinge
Her mouth was too ajar and it made my soul cringe
Down went the fishes with one by one
It was not a pleasant smell baking in the sun
“Wow- you must like fish” was all I was able to muster
She nodded her head aggressively
And for a second her skin seemed to luster
Soon I saw a tugging at my fishing line
I grabbed hold of my pole and tried to reel it in
I tried to pull it up for air
but it didn’t work
It seemed to be to big for me
So I gave it another jerk.
When I saw its shadow
Flickering in the sand
I realized that my catch
Was a little out of hand.
My angling reputation, I didn’t’ want to mar
I just didn’t think I’d be catching an Alligator Gar
When she caught sight of it, her green eyes flashed red
She seemed to be frazzled looking into the riverbed.
SNAP went the line. Off went that gar
I did know wherever it went- probably not very far.
Looking back at Judy, her face seemed strange again
Almost as if her nostrils shrank
To almost a flap of skin.
She soothed me for my lost catch and started petting me
“I think we should go skinny dip”
At first I disagreed with her but then she beckoned me in
She took off all her skivvies- wait was that a fin?
She slunk in to murky depths
and sang a song to me
What was this very familiar song?
Was she a Swiftie?
“Cause baby, now we got bad blood
You know it used to be mad love
So take a look at what you’ve done
‘Cause baby, now we got bad blood, HEY!”
I walked towards her and stripped my clothes
Feeling the twigs pierce my feet
But I didn’t care- not one bit
For Judy I was there to meet
Now we got problems
And I don’t think we can solve ‘em
You made a really deep cut
And baby, now we got bad blood HEY!
With each little hey, closer and closer I would approach
The sun reflected on her skin, and shimmered a broch
No what was that eerie pattern
It wasn’t light at all
She was covered in plated scales
Her eyes lidless like a doll
Did you have to do this?
I was thinking that you could be trusted
Did you have ruin
What was shining? Now its all rusted.
It was then I understood what was happening
For it was a mermaids song that she did sing
This was not simple she-fish
She was GARgantuin.
I nearly puked when she lifted her arms and they were pointed fins.
Did you have to hit me
Where I’m weak? Baby, I couldn’t breathe
And rub it in so deep.
Salt in the wound like your laughing right at me.
Against my will I entered the water up to my nips
I tried to scream when I felt her fin brush against my hips
Her teeth split her face in half and pushed through her alabaster veneer
Her eyes migrated to her ears as I trembled with fear.
She still continued to sing her song
But it was more a bark
Her jaws snapped up and down
I wondered if her bites would leave a mark.
Did you think we'd be fine?
Still got scars on my back from your knife
So don't think it's in the past
These kind of wounds they last and they last
Now did you think it all through?
All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal, but this won't
So if you come in my way, just don't
Her jaw seemed unhinge and she bared all her teeth.
I seemed to be paralyzed as I felt her move from underneath.
She dove into the water and moved in circles round and round
She’d pull me in from time to time to see if I would drown
I couldn’t move I was transfixed the Taylor Swift pinned me down
That was until my cellphone rang, and I whipped my head around
From the sandy pond bank- came the Son of Mississippi
His dulcet tones regained my spirit- it was ole Jimmy
“Wastin’ away in Margaritaville
Searchin’ for my last shaker of salt-salt-salt
Some people claim there’s a woman to blame
And I know this is somebody’s fault”
As soon as the sea-witch heard Jimmy Buffet
The rest was history
She seized. She shriveled and swam away
I’d never be seduced again by someone so whore-y
I dragged myself back to my clothes
I looked for anything to wear
I popped open my beer
It was five a clock somewhere
From time to time I think of her
That crazy brackish bitch
What did that prehistoric lady want from me
And that’s the last time I tried to fish.