I’ve been “with it” for forty years now- and I owe any serious action I’ve got on that lil’ ole tunnel over there. Shoot- I know what you’re thinking- “Tunnel of Love,” that shit’s fer homos and pimply teenagers but trust me that shit works. Ya’see the key is you just need to know when to go into the tunnel. Can’t rush that shit.

Ya’ see, you gotta think of the whole carnival as foreplay to the tunnel. It don’t take much imagination to recognize it, s’all there out for you to see. I mean, back when I was a kid we’d take our dates to the carnival for some “good ole fashion fun”- what a load of bullshit. Just one glance around and you can see everyone’s just getting’ ready to fuck.
I mean shit man- look at the midway it’s all sex. Point yer pistol at a hole, put your ring on a bottle, knock over some bottles with yer balls- ‘cept you win something fluffy and cute instead of two months of scratching your junk. Yeah man, if your girl ain’t some Possum Belly Queen, you best start her off on in the midway. Treat ‘er right and show off a little. Prove how big your dick is and do the strong man test. And if there is a pie eating contest, you take that challenge- nothing turns a girl on more than a pie eating contest. Once she can see what you can do without use of your hands she might even fuck you in the port-o-john.

After that kiddie shit – take her on some rides- that’ll prove that you’re trust worthy see? Take on some rollercoaster, get her all scared and bothered and excited,heh,heh,heh. Or even better go to the Fun House- the Hall of Mirrors is just one big ole vagina- some enclosed area you enter and never know what you’re getting into. You just see yourself expanding and contracting with your lady friend that’s all you need to know- shoot. Get her scared enough her hearts gonna be pumping- blood’s gonna be circulating through her veins. She’ll start to sweat and she’s going to want to do something with all that energy. After that I’ll tell you what you do- shove a corndog in her hole.

NO, not that hole- JesusHChrist kids today. You see this is when you make her do some of the work. See how she handles food on a stick. I mean you had the right idea- but lets keep the symbolism and the reality sep’rate fer now- thank you very much. I mean people think that the food on a stick was invented for the ability to walk around and eat- naw man that stuff’s just as sexual as anything else. I mean cotton candy’s just pubs on a stick. And man, nothing beats licking off pieces of sticky cotton candy debris off your lady friend later on heh, heh, heh.

But after you fill your lady up, that is when you go into the tunnel of love. Don’t make nothing of it neither. If you seem to eager, she just think you wanna grope her and shit. Just walk by and it and be like – “Hey-loookey that, I didn’t think they still made these things. Have you even been on one of those things? Naw you haven’t? Shoooot, well maybe we should go on? You don’t want to? Oh come on, these things might go out of existence soon and you’ll have missed your chance.” If she likes you she’ll take the bait.

Then what you do is sit back and relax, see. Just put your arm around her shoulders, loose but not floppy, you want to make her feel secure not strangled and if she’s a good thing she’ll snuggle up to you and you wont remember much of the actual ride.

Why do I think it works? ‘Cause humans love symbols as stand-ins. Your putting your “boat” down a warm, dark, tunnel of love. It’s just sex. Tunnels of Love are rarely cleaned because we want the walls to be all slimy and wet and smelling musky. If it smells too much like chlorine might as well call it the “Douche of Love”. I know its gross but shoot we’s all a little gross. We can’t communicate that shit so we do exactly what we wanna do just as “games”. Ya see games are safe- tag you’re it, hide-n-seek, jump rope no one gets hurt for real while doing this. You don’t get herpes from patty cake and you don’t have a one night stand with a swing. That’s why when you show her its hunkey dorey to go down her tunnel of love- I just hope your car’s fast enough to get you home lickty split.